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Following the scandal in May 2023, the three people who actually vote in student government elections have decided to write in a new candidate on their ballot this year: “Bessie the Cow.” 

“We’re just tired of all the drama, honestly,” said voter Farmer Brown. “Bessie is straight to the point and uninterested in all the pettiness that caused last year’s chaos.”

Bessie was elected immediately and went straight to work despite her unusual methods. 

“All in favor of air conditioning in Hagerstown Hall say ‘Moo,’” said student government President Waturg Ate.

Bessie gave a resounding “moo” and construction began right away. Thanks to her quick thinking and rationality, Bessie has helped to prevent several cases of heat stroke in students across campus. She is now currently working on lowering tuition for out-of-state students, making UMD carbon neutral and has already pushed President Pines to increase campus accessibility by creating more wheelchair-accessible infrastructure.

Due to Bessie’s success as a policymaker, there is now a grassroots movement to increase cow representation in the legislative body. Bovine Designs, a company that produces cow-related merchandise, has become the official producer of pro-cow t-shirts and buttons. They sold out in five minutes upon release.

Anti-cow truthers have also sprung up around campus, holding protests and chanting “Not my cowvernor” and “Lock her up.” 

Despite all the backlash, more cows are set to join the student government, including Hillary Cowton, AOC (Alexandria Moocasio-Cowtez), and Barack Moobama. 

Note: This article is in partnership with Bovine Designs, who actually do produce cow-related merchandise. Check them out here: http://www.instagram.com/bovinedesigns.