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If you’re anything like me, you love having a good time. However, lately on campus things have been getting a little dull and TerpZone is getting a little repetitive. I mean, there are only so many times you can lose at pool, get ten gutterballs, and get sticky hands from whatever is on the Playstation controllers. TerpZone is in dire need of a refresh, and luckily, The Hare has your back! We interviewed our weird roommates and have compiled the top four things our weird roommates think should be added to TerpZone.

1. Specialty bowling balls

One of my favorite things about TerpZone is the bowling. Ten lanes of rolling greasy balls down greasy lanes into equally greasy pins. However, one issue people always have is finding a ball that’s right for them. Typically you can only find two pound or eighteen pound bowling balls on any given day because all of the other bowling balls are on another ball return, surrounded by other bowlers and you’re too scared to walk over and grab one. Our weird roommates decided that they want a set of specialty balls available at every ball return! Including but definitely not limited to Watermelons, Statue Heads, Uranium balls, Terrapin shell balls, and The Cube^™!

2. A full scale Medieval Times

Fun Fact: Maryland’s state sport is jousting! What better way to reinforce the idea that Maryland is a cult than to install a bunch of hunky, sexy men and women getting dirty and hitting each other with sticks at the state’s flagship university! But we don’t want just the jousting arena, we want it all! We want the sloshing beer, the cheering, the crowns, the public executions, the turkey legs, and the castles. Even if the castle is just a façade and the sloshing beer is actually just non-alcoholic apple cider. It was never about the sport, it was always about eating with our bare hands and watching a guy eat shit on a horse. 

3. The Hope Diamond

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking, “Wasn’t it already sacrificed to Testudo?” Well, yes it was! After the Hope Diamond was offered up last finals season, our weird roommates are wondering what’s going to happen to the 300 million dollar hunk of junk. They suggested that it go on display at the TerpZone billiard and bowling lounge! UMD students deserve the bare minimum, and to them, the bare minimum is being able to gaze longingly at the cursed beast while the eight ball sinks right after breaking. Just as Rose gazed longingly at Jack before letting him die in the ocean because she wanted that door all to herself. 

4. A Japanese love hotel

We all know about college campus hookup culture. If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably experienced sitting in your room and having to listen to the guy in the room above you try and figure out where the clit is. Our weird roommates suggest that TerpZone install a Japanese-style love hotel complete with themed rooms! Whether it be a doctor’s office, dungeon, traditional hotel room, or a classroom, TerpZone should have you covered. All you need to do is have both of you swipe into the hotel, swipe to call the elevator, swipe once you’re in the elevator, and swipe to get in the room! It’s that easy! We recommend that TerpZone also sell guest passes at the front desk for easy access if you know what I mean. 

TerpZone has the potential to be a fun and exciting place for everyone on campus, and for the low price of around 400,000,000 dollars, UMD can make TerpZone a place where anyone can escape to after that third failed exam!