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As students begin to trickle back into UMD willingly or unwillingly, classes continue to increase in intensity. With papers due, final exams looming, and the thing™ they swore to do over break not done, students are now more stressed than ever before. One student, Tote Ali Fucked, gave insight into the post-Thanksgiving panic:
“I was so burnt out going into break that I decided to take two days off, both of which I slept through in a mini-coma. It was great until I saw 60 new Canvas notifications on my phone.”
Blood draining from her face at the memory of the horrors, she continued:
“On top of the other twelve assignments due next week, I think that UMD somehow enrolled me in a new class. Now I have to write a 10 page paper on the history of Ancient Rome by next Tuesday. I’m an Engineering major! I don’t know anything about Ancient Rome!”
As Fucked attempted to study both fluid mechanics and the politics of the Roman Empire during 69-40 B.C., other students prospered. Family Science major Turk E. Dae reflected on one of his assignments:
“The project was to study how familial relationships change under different conditions. I whispered to my Aunt ‘Just so you know, I’m happy that you came to dinner. Ignore the hate, queen!’ during Thanksgiving. Now I have enough data to complete the project thanks to thirty very loud, curse-word-filled minutes!”
Despite all of the chaos, multiple students report that they’re feeling hopeful overall. Research suggests that the top two reasons for this are Winter Break approaching and that students over 21 can get a discount on drinks during Looney’s Black[ing Out] Friday event. But mostly the first thing, if any future employers are reading this.
Note: The Hare does not condone any underage or excessive drinking – this article is purely satirical. Also, The Looney’s Black[ing Out] event is not real, so please don’t harass Looney’s staff about it. The Hare would like to wish all students good luck on finals and getting sleep for the next three weeks. Stay safe, Terps.
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